The languages of love and relationships

The author Gary Chapman came out with 5 basic styles of love in a relationships in his book
The Five Love Languages. The five languages are as follows.
I. Words of Affirmation style.
Communication to be used : compliments, affirmation, kind words
Actions to be taken with this style : send notes and cards
What to avoid : Criticism.

Do you think that everyone is capable of love?

II. The quality time style.
Communication to be used : one to one time, not interrupting, face to face conversation.
Actions to be taken with this style : take long walks together, doing things together, taking trips.
What to avoid with this style : long periods of being apart, more time with friends than with spouse.

Romana wrote, "Do you think everyone is capable of love?"
No I don't. There is a spectrum. Some people seemingly are not capable of love or it is extremely
distorted. On one end of the spectrum are the sociopath and narcissistic people. Then you have
domestic abuser and control obsessed. They supposedly love, but it is completely distorted.
It is an irony. One must have healthy self love, before they can share that precious love with
another.

III. The receiving gifts style.
Communication to be used with this style : positive, fact oriented information.
Actions to take with this style : giving gifts on special occasions and not so special occasions.
What to avoid : forgetting special day.

IV. The acts of service type.
Communication to be used with this style : action words like "I can," "I will," "What else can I do?"
Actions to be taken with this style : helping with house and yard chores, repair/maintenance, acts of kindness.
What to avoid : ignoring spouse's requests while helping others.

V. The physical touch type.
Communication to be used with this type : a lot of non verbals, verbals need to be word pictures.
Actions to be taken with this type : touches, hugs, pats, kisses
What to avoid : physical neglect or abuse.

There is a test to determine which style one is. I thought the descriptions were self explanatory.
I am apparently a type I. style. I would never live with a harsh, negative, complaining person.
I can have constructive dialogue.

MEASURING 6 BASIC STYLES OF LOVE :
This is a second typology from the one listed in the above posts. It is to be used as a companion
and a comparison to the above listed The Five Love Languages.
Listed below are sample items Hendrick and Hendrick's love scale, which was designed to measure
the six styles of love identified by Lee (1977, 1988). Read through the various items and think
about your current or past relationships. Which style or styles characterize each of these relationships?
According to Lee, people could experience many different styles of love during their lives.

EROS :
1. My lover and I were attracted to each other immediately after we first met.
2. Our lovemaking is very intense and satisfying.
3. My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness.

LUDUS :
1. I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.
2. I have sometimes had to keep two of my lovers from finding out about each other.
3. I enjoy playing the "game of love" with a number of different partners.

STORGE :
1. It is hard to say exactly when my lover and I fell in love. (Our friendship merged gradually into love over time.)
2. Love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious emotion.
3. My most satisfying love relationships have developed from good friendships.

PRAGMA :
1. I consider what a person is going to become in life before I commit myself to him/her.
2. I try to plan my life carefully before choosing a lover.
3. A main consideration in choosing a lover is how he/she reflects on my family.

MANIA :
1. Sometimes I get so excited about being in love that I can't sleep.
2. When I am in love, I have trouble concentrating on anything else.
3. If my lover ignores me for a while, I sometimes do stupid things to get his/her attention back.

AGAPE :
1. I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.
2. I cannot be happy unless I place my lover's happiness before my own.
3. I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.

there is a disturbing possessiveness in the linguistics commonly at our command. it controls the free flow of awareness BEFOREHAND, i.e. our very own senses are cought in a holograph contrary to our need to behold another.

imho.

lavender orchid wrote, "...our very own senses are caught in a holograph contrary to our need to behold..."
and, "There is a disturbing possessiveness..." and "...controls the free flow of awareness beforehand..."
These are key concepts. They are the tip of the iceberg/pyramid. There is so much more here to
ponder.

let's "try" a spontaneous interlude ................
lee goodall: zebras

Thank you lavender orchid for sharing your inner beautiful self, as well as all the sights and images
you continue to share. Though the goodness of your heart, as well as beautiful spirit.

My friends, how desperately do we need to be loved and to love. Love is something
you and I must have. We must have it because our spirits deeds upon it. We must have
it because without it we become weak and faint. Without love our self-esteem weakens.
Without it our courage fails. Without love we can no longer look out confidently at the
world. We turn inward and begin to feed upon our own personalities, and little by little
destroy ourselves. With it we are creative. With it, and with it alone, we are able to
sacrifice for others.
Chief Dan George (1899-1981)
Coast Salish

falling silent.
dunno anymore

too much of a gap separating what can only have been and can be an illusion of we or us.

sorry.

Love is a funny thing. I have found in my later years that sadness comes from losing my own love, more so than losing someone else's. My saddest moments involve my own inability to love someone/something.
Love flows out of me like a river, and like a river it's flow must never stop. When its dammed my whole world stops. I feel that if I can keep this river flowing, the rest will pass and the love will grow inside of me to overshadow any hurt inflicted by/on me.
When I can't love people, I love animals/nature. She/they always receive my love and make me welcome. The only day I fear is the day that river dries up...It is far more important to me to produce love then to get it. I am always in a state of love, what better way to be? Your own love is always free.
No one but you can take away your ability to feel the love that wells out of your own soul, your own river. Let your own love of whatever you love give you strength, it is only someone else's love that someone can take away. There is always something to love. Guard it with your decisions and actions, guard it against hurt feelings someone gave you, guard it against the coldness of some realities...
Even in my saddest moments, when I want to just not be, that river of love never stops and if I let it, it will course through my veins and remind me that it is not to receive but to give...so smarten up it tells me. Get on with giving, the rest will come out in the wash.
Can you contain yourself when you are looking out at the sunset over the ocean, so pink, purple and blue. Can you survive the sense of beauty and overwhelming continuity of our great earth, can you not feel the love course through your veins, a kind of love that wavers not. The kind of love that if given, will fill the holes left from other's love removed.
I feel sometimes that if I could but channel and direct that love, its strength would surely put the world in balance all the while knowing that balance also needs pain...

The biggest of hugs for you Lightsun, find your river and ride it out my friend, there is enough love in you to keep your balance, just let it keep on flowing through the beautiful words you capture. Like the waves of the ocean, you are a perfect D-flat!


Birds

What, then, is love in your experience?

What is Love to me? A big question...so many things, not always has been what it is now.

Definately in my 20s Love was important to me to have. I had a few, 3 loves and a few crushes too. Never been married though, it would curb my freedom . Love has so many faces. My first love was a free one. It lasted for more 3 years, it was good and gave me a sense of person, I was sorely lacking that at the time. We were just so young. When we parted I lost my sense of self and it took me years to get it back.
Next was my son's father. A scar I carried with me from my first love greatly shaped my second. I was too insecure to trust, that inability to forgive has given me almost 20 years of living hell. It's almost over...Children do grow up and give a person the freedom to relocate! The eternal optimist!
I can learn lessons and the forgiveness has been extended in full to everyone, including myself.
There is a story that I need to weave within the folds of my second major relationship. His name was Joe, since him I have realized that till him I knew nothing about love. My Joe. My sweet, wonderful and mysterious mountain of a man Joe. He died 7 years ago in a car accident at 1 o'clock in the morning coming home to see me. He was away, and I called him and told him I wanted him, so he came...he just never got here.
The first time I saw him, he was standing in a bus shelter and I was driving by. I swear I almost drove off the road...it wasn't his looks, (kind of scruffy), it was as if, for just a moment as I drove past him, our chords matched and mine changed, forever to carry his oh so solid imprint...
It was 2 years later, I was 7 months pregnant, and guess who my also very pregnant friend brought over for tea . It was HIM, the guy from the bus stop! In what bloody universe eh? Oh my goodness, what an afternoon. It was as if we had always known each other. The connection was so intense. He was an Aquarius, oh so beautiful to me. We sat, drank tea, and talked away a whole afternoon. I'll never forget it, of course I was with my son's father so not able to follow him as I would of...My son's father and I were on the rocks, but it was a few years before I felt free to wander around.
Just so happen's, almost 3 years later, as I was driving down the road, there he was. Standing on the sidewalk in the glow of a streetlamp. Hundreds of months surrounding the low glow in the late evening coolness. I just had to stop, I am so glad I did...How could I not? He smiled at me. He got in my car. He smiled at me again and laughed...I put it in drive, pulled out, and never looked back. Joe.

To sum it all up...within the first love I learned how to be anything but co-dependant. From my son's father, I have learned that trust can never be earned if not given and reins only serve to hurt a horses mouth (sort of speak). From Joe, I learned that the only love that can stand the strength of time is the kind that flows out of you whether you want it to or not. If I ever love a man again it will be one that just draws the emotion/love out of me. The kind that makes you crave it even when it hurts.
Mind you, if I would elaborate a little more on Joe...you might understand me better. I would not live with him or more, for years as much as I loved/wanted him, my son came first. I could not control the love that flowed out of me so strong, but, I did not let it lead me to ruin. It was 10 whole years before we were both ready to settle down with each other. 10 years of a lot of living. You know, we would not see each other for a year or two, when we did meet up, it was just as if we never parted. No jelousy, no rules, just joy and love...it's a little hard to explain.
We had begun to settle about a year before he died. He was moving back from Ottawa...for me. . Joe.

Both of my other loves where based on how much of their love flowed into me, my LOVE of Joe was based on how much of it flowed out of me. We were old souls together, so free and unbound, old souls, old friends.

Birds

Love, the best kind IMO is the kind you feel for your family, friends. The kind that has no expectations beyond being able to flow out of you. The kind that shows through in a crisis of shame, a moment of joy. The kind that has foundations and walls that have stood the test of time. If one could but realize that if perhaps we viewed a love as solid a creature as that of a mother to child, if we could extend that amount of forgiveness to a love, could it not last forever. Could it be that your forgiveness might flow out of you with your love when allowed to be drawn out as opposed to being cramped in from indrawn flow. Cramped and distorted?

Birds

Prettybirds wrote:

Love, the best kind IMO is the kind you feel for your family, friends. The kind that has no expectations beyond being able to flow out of you. The kind that shows through in a crisis of shame, a moment of joy. The kind that has foundations and walls that have stood the test of time. If one could but realize that if perhaps we viewed a love as solid a creature as that of a mother to child, if we could extend that amount of forgiveness to a love, could it not last forever. Could it be that your forgiveness might flow out of you with your love when allowed to be drawn out as opposed to being cramped in from indrawn flow. Cramped and distorted?

Birds

hey sweets!

cramped and distorted?

i read today is longfellow's day. this poet, sort of laconic as he sounds, must be in myfamily somewhere. sure there are others painting pictures of a wider world with other paint strokes....
is this an answer to your question, right now?

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-gleam-of-sunshine/

see you in the sanctuary, honey, where our horses can run free, again.